“If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.  And if he wrongs you seven times in one day and returns to you seven times saying 'I am sorry,' you should forgive him.”  Luke 17:3-4

We may find it difficult to forgive a person even if they are truly aware and truly remorseful for the hurt they have caused us.  The above passage from Luke refers to a person who is truly "repentant', and in that case we are to forgive from the heart without limit.  Easier said than done.  What if we can't forgive or, what if the other person does not admit they've done anything wrong?  

First we must establish what exactly it is we are forgiving, then we identify and work through our own feelings (anger, rage, sadness, shame etc.), then if we can't forgive, we pray and put it in God's hands.   It is in our own best interest to forgive whether that involves reconciliation with the other person or an acceptance and moving on.  Forgiveness may take time; forgiving prematurely and not really meaning it, is counter-productive.

If the person who wronged or abused us does not admit or denies that they have done something wrong to us, can we really maintain the status quo and go on like nothing happened?  Can forgiveness in this situation, be just an acceptance of what has happened and an honest acknowledgement of the hurt and pain we received?  Without a person acknowledging and fully understanding the wrong they have committed, how can there be any forgiveness?  If we can't get past it, then we must pray for guidance. 

Do we have to be reconciled with that person?  Not in every situation.  Some people are abusive, toxic and just plain  dangerous.  You're not expected to be the suffering hero.   We can set limits and boundaries with others on how we want to be treated and we don't have to live in situations that are harmful or go against our moral values. 

Forgiveness has nothing to do with geography.  We don't have to be anywhere near them to forgive.  Forgiveness is about working through the pain, then letting go.  We don't know why people do some of the things they do.  People do although, have reasons for what they do. It may not seem valid to us but it may be for them.  Empathy and understanding are useful tools in the process.  We may come to realize that the individuals are also in pain.  Pain is universal and there is more than enough to go around.  On the other hand, they are responsible for their actions and we are not responsible for other people's feelings.

We also need to forgive ourselves.  If we have: wronged someone else, accepted responsibility for our actions, felt truly sorry and remorseful and apologized - then we too have to forgive ourselves and move on.  Forgiving and having compassion for ourselves is one of the hardest things to do.

It is necessary to allow ourselves to grieve the loss as well as feel any other emotions such as anger and sadness.  It is not always necessary or safe to confront the person who wronged you and you may want to speak with a counsellor or therapist depending on your situation.  You do need to take your own time.  It is a process.  We need to be able to forgive on an emotional  as well as an intellectual level.  Then again, we may be at a point where we just want to let it go - and forgive.

If you can put some kind of positive resolution to what happened, you may be on your way to forgive.  It's all in how we look at it and two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.  Forgiving doesn't mean you forgot what happened, it just means that you won't hold it against the person(s) anymore.  Forgiveness is not obligatory; it has to be given freely. 

How To Forgive Your Parents:

Many of us become estranged from our parent(s) for one reason or another.  We may blame them for our failures and disappointments or harm they may have caused us. 

"Honor your father and your mother that you may have a long life in the land which the Lord, your God, is giving you." Ex 20, 12.(N.A.B.)

In his book, Forgive Your Parents, Heal Yourself, Dr. Barry Grosskopf argues we are to respect our Parents at all times. He states that the 5th commandment (4th commandment for Catholics) does not command that we love our parents because love cannot be commanded.  However, he says, we are to treat our parents with respect no matter how we see them.  Dr. Grosskopf goes on to say that this process gets easier as we do it and "The discipline first corrects our behaviour, then our feelings".  Furthermore he states, "Adults who sever relations with their parents, regardless of cause or necessity, condemn themselves and their parents to a painful void in their lives.  However, for a child who has suffered abuse, it fails to remedy the underlying anger and rage you may be feeling.  Denying your feelings of rage will leave you worse off.  Besides we don't forgive anyone (including our parents) for the abuse we have suffered if they (the abuser) haven't acknowledged the abuse, haven't taken responsibility, and have not shown a willingness to make amends (Forward 1989).  And even if they do, we still may not be ready to forgive them. 

Dr. Grosskopf states, "The 5^th commandment (4th commandment for Catholics) compensates for the harm that damaged parents cause their children by promising good for the faithful child.  In this way, the future need and dignity of each generation is secured by the generation that follows.  He explains  " Children need to forgive their parents for their own sake, so that their bitterness at them does not contaminate their own or their children’s future."  Dr. Grosskopf advises us when dealing with our parents "Do not engage in anger, do not react.  Be respectful and if necessary walk not react."  It's certainly advisable to walk and to not look back in some cases.  However, in cases of abuse, neglect or abandonment, we are not obligated to forgive them, nor are we responsible for them in any way. 

Some parents, siblings and guardians are so toxic that they are better off left alone.  You are not expected to spend any time with a person who is still abusive.   Also, there has had to be an individualization process.  Beverly Engel author of Healing Your Emotional Self (can be purchased here) describes this as "The act of becoming a separate person from one’s parents and one’s family.  Those who have a history of neglect or abuse tend to remain enmeshed with their family of origin out of the desperate desire to get what they did not get when they were children."  

The problem is that adults will never get what they needed as a child from their abusive parents or others. Also, without doing our own inner child healing and grieving our losses and traumas, forgiveness may be superficial and insincere.  Depending on the circumstances and the person(s) involved, forgiveness may take time if at all, or may simply be an acceptance of the facts and moving on (without your parents). 

Many individuals who have been treated harshly by one or both parents can suffer through-out their lives.  Dr. Susan Forward, in her book Toxic Parents states "Your parents are accountable for what they did.  You are responsible for your adult life, but that life was largely shaped by experiences over which you had no control."

Making excuses for our abusive parents, including the rationalization of the 4th commandment, prevents us from identifying the true source of our anger and rage and inner turmoil. 

You may decide to express to your parents the hurt they have caused - but don't expect too much if anything on their part.  You would be better off expressing your feelings to a trusted friend, therapist or in a group setting.

Abdicating the responsibility for the parent as it would seem in Grosskofp's book, does little for the person who suffered abuse.  If I have to look across the table when I get older and see resentful bitter adult children,  I pray to God I would try to rectify the wrong in any way I could and not just say to myself, "Oh well, they're my children, I was allowed to treat them anyway I wanted because I know they're expected to respect me." 

It's now known that abused children would fare much better in their healing and forgiveness process, if they pointed the finger squarely at their parents and made them responsible.  As one Christian in Dr. Forward's book Toxic Parents (can be purchased here) put it "I guess God wants me to get better more than He wants me to forgive."   Toxic Parents is a must read.

For abusive parents hiding behind the 4 commandment:

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly Father.” Matthew 18:10

If we are required to forgive from the heart, it may also be true that the person asking for forgiveness must be truly repentant.

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The bible's 3 step process for dealing with someone who has wronged you:

1. Let him/her know about the transgression.

2. If that doesn't work, bring along 2 or 3 witnesses.

3. If that doesn't work, tell the church.

One of the greatest lessons Jesus taught us was how to forgive. 

What the bible says about forgiveness:

A man had two sons, and the younger son said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of your estate that should come to me.' So the father divided the property between them.

After a few days, the younger son collected all his belongings and set off to a distant country where he squandered his inheritance on a life of dissipation.

When he had freely spent everything, a severe famine struck that country, and he found himself in dire need. So he hired himself out to one of the local citizens who sent him to his farm to tend the swine. And he longed to eat his fill of the pods on which the swine fed, but nobody gave him any. Coming to his senses he thought, 'How many of my father's hired workers have more than enough food to eat, but here am I, dying from hunger.

I shall get up and go to my father and I shall say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I no longer deserve to be called your son; treat me as you would treat one of your hired workers."' So he got up and went back to his father. While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him, and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him. His son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you; I no longer deserve to be called your son.' But his father ordered his servants, 'Quickly bring the finest robe and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Take the fattened calf and slaughter it. Then let us celebrate with a feast, because this son of mine was dead, and has come to life again; he was lost, and has been found.' Then the celebration began. Now the older son had been out in the field and, on his way back, as he neared the house, he heard the sound of music and dancing. He called one of the servants and asked what this might mean.

The servant said to him, 'Your brother has returned and your father has slaughtered the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.' He became angry, and when he refused to enter the house, his father came out and pleaded with him. He said to his father in reply, 'Look, all these years I served you and not once did I disobey your orders; yet you never gave me even a young goat to feast on with my friends. But when your son returns who swallowed up your property with prostitutes, for him you slaughter the fattened calf.' He said to him, 'My son, you are here with me always; everything I have is yours. But now we must celebrate and rejoice, because your brother was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.' Lk 15:11-32

"Two people were in debt to a certain creditor; one owed five hundred days' wages  and the other owed fifty.

Since they were unable to repay the debt, he forgave it for both. Which of them will love him more?"

Simon said in reply, "The one, I suppose, whose larger debt was forgiven." He said to him, "You have judged rightly."

Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? When I entered your house, you did not give me water for my feet, but she has bathed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair.

You did not give me a kiss, but she has not ceased kissing my feet since the time I entered. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she anointed my feet with ointment. So I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; hence, she has shown great love. But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little."

He said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."

The others at table said to themselves, "Who is this who even forgives sins?"

But he said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."  Luke 7:41-50

"Therefore I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours.

When you stand to pray, forgive anyone against whom you have a grievance, so that your heavenly Father may in turn forgive you your transgressions." Mk 11:24-25

For Christ also suffered for sins once, the righteous for the sake of the unrighteous, that he might lead you to God. Put to death in the flesh, he was brought to life in the spirit. 1 Peter 3:18

"If we acknowledge our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from every wrongdoing. "

1 John 1:9

 He was praying in a certain place, and when he had finished, one of his disciples said to him, "Lord, teach us to pray just as John taught his disciples."

 He said to them, "When you pray, say: Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come.

Give us each day our daily bread  and forgive us our sins for we ourselves forgive everyone in debt to us, and do not subject us to the final test."

And he said to them, "Suppose one of you has a friend to whom he goes at midnight and says, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, for a friend of mine has arrived at my house from a journey and I have nothing to offer him,'

and he says in reply from within, 'Do not bother me; the door has already been locked and my children and I are already in bed. I cannot get up to give you anything.'

I tell you, if he does not get up to give him the loaves because of their friendship, he will get up to give him whatever he needs because of his persistence.

"And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

What father among you would hand his son a snake when he asks for a fish?

Or hand him a scorpion when he asks for an egg? 

If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the Father in heaven give the holy Spirit to those who ask him?" Luke 11:1-13

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.'

But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on (your) right cheek, turn the other one to him as well.

If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic, hand him your cloak as well.

Should anyone press you into service for one mile, go with him for two miles.

Give to the one who asks of you, and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.

 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.'

But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you,

that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.

For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors  do the same?

And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same? 

So be perfect,  just as your heavenly Father is perfect." Mat 5:38-48

"If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you.

But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions."  Mat 6:14-15

"But to you who hear I say, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,

bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

To the person who strikes you on one cheek, offer the other one as well, and from the person who takes your cloak, do not withhold even your tunic.

Give to everyone who asks of you, and from the one who takes what is yours do not demand it back.

Do to others as you would have them do to you.

For if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.

And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do the same.

If you lend money to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit (is) that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, and get back the same amount.

But rather, love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back; then your reward will be great and you will be children of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked.

Be merciful, just as (also) your Father is merciful.

 "Stop judging and you will not be judged. Stop condemning and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.

Give and gifts will be given to you; a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing, will be poured into your lap. For the measure with which you measure will in return be measured out to you." Lk 6:27-38

Then Peter approaching asked him, "Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?"  Jesus answered, "I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.

That is why the kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants.

 When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount.

Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt. At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.' Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan.

When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount.  He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, 'Pay back what you owe.'

Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

But he refused. Instead, he had him put in prison until he paid back the debt.

Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair. His master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?'

Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt. 

 So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart." Mat 18:21-35

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection.  Col 3:12-14

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