Forgiveness

“If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he wrongs you seven times in one day and returns to you seven times saying 'I am sorry,' you should forgive him.” Luke 17:3-4

We may find it difficult to forgive a person even if they are truly aware and truly remorseful for the hurt they have caused us. The above passage from Luke refers to a person who is truly repentant, and in that case we are to forgive from the heart without limit (if we can). Easier said than done. What if we can't forgive or, what if the other person does not admit they've done anything wrong?

First we must establish what exactly it is we are forgiving, then we identify and work through our own feelings (anger, rage, sadness, shame etc.), then if we can't forgive, we pray and put it in God's hands. It is in our own best interest to forgive whether that involves reconciliation with the other person or an acceptance and moving on. Forgiveness may take time; forgiving prematurely and not really meaning it, is counter-productive.

If the person who wronged or abused us does not admit it, or denies that they have done something wrong to us, can we really maintain the status quo and go on like nothing happened? Can forgiveness in this situation, be just an acceptance of what has happened and an honest acknowledgement of the hurt and pain we received? Without a person acknowledging and fully understanding the wrong they have committed, how can there be any forgiveness? If we can't get past it, then we must pray for guidance.

Do we have to be reconciled with that person? Not in every situation. Some people are abusive, toxic and just plain dangerous. We can also choose to set limits and boundaries with others on how we want to be treated and we don't have to live in situations that are harmful or go against our moral values.

We can also choose to align our own sufferings with that of Christ's.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with geography. We don't have to be anywhere near them to forgive. Forgiveness is about working through the pain, then letting go. We don't know why people do some of the things they do. People do although, have reasons for what they do. It may not seem valid to us but it may be for them. Empathy and understanding are useful tools in the process. We may come to realize that the individuals are also in pain. Pain is universal and there is more than enough to go around. On the other hand, they are responsible for their actions and we are not responsible for other people's feelings.

We also need to forgive ourselves. If we have wronged someone else, accepted responsibility for our actions, felt truly sorry and remorseful and apologized, then we too have to forgive ourselves and move on. Forgiving and having compassion for ourselves is one of the hardest things to do.

It is necessary to allow ourselves to grieve the loss as well as feel any other emotions such as anger and rage. It is not always necessary or safe to confront the person who wronged you and you may want to speak with a counsellor or therapist depending on your situation. You do need to take your own time. It is a process. We need to be able to forgive on an emotional as well as an intellectual level. Then again, we may be at a point where we just want to let it go - and forgive.

If you can put some kind of positive resolution to what happened, you may be on your way to forgive. It's all in how we look at it and two people can look at the same thing and see it differently. Forgiving doesn't mean you forgot what happened, it just means that you won't hold it against the person(s) anymore. Forgiveness cannot be demanded; it has to be given freely.

How To Forgive Your Parents

Many of us become estranged from our parent(s) for one reason or another. We may blame them for our failures and disappointments or harm they may have caused us.

“Honor your father and your mother that you may have a long life in the land which the Lord, your God, is giving you.” Ex 20, 12.(N.A.B.)

In his book, Forgive Your Parents, Heal Yourself, Dr. Barry Grosskopf argues we are to respect our Parents at all times. He states that the 5th commandment* (4th commandment for Catholics) does not command that we love our parents because love cannot be commanded. However, he says, we are to treat our parents with respect no matter how we see them. Dr. Grosskopf goes on to say that this process gets easier as we do it and “The discipline first corrects our behaviour, then our feelings.” Furthermore he states, “Adults who sever relations with their parents, regardless of cause or necessity, condemn themselves and their parents to a painful void in their lives.”

However, for a child who has suffered abuse, it fails to remedy the underlying sadness, anger, rage and shame you may be feeling as an adult. Denying these feelings will leave you worse off. Besides, we don't forgive anyone (including our parents) for the abuse we have suffered if they [the abuser(s)] haven't acknowledged the abuse, haven't taken responsibility, and haven't shown a willingness to make amends (Forward 1989). And even if they do, we still may not be ready to forgive them. We still need to work through it.

Dr. Grosskopf states, “The 5th commandment (4th commandment for Catholics) compensates for the harm that damaged parents cause their children by promising good for the faithful child. In this way, the future need and dignity of each generation is secured by the generation that follows.” He explains, “Children need to forgive their parents for their own sake, so that their bitterness at them does not contaminate their own or their children’s future.” Dr. Grosskopf advises us when dealing with our parents “Do not engage in anger, do not react. Be respectful and if necessary walk not react.”

It's certainly advisable to walk and in some cases, not look back. However, in cases of abuse, neglect or abandonment, Dr. Grosskopf's expectations may not be realistic.

Some parents, siblings and guardians are so toxic that they are better off left to their own devices. You are not expected to spend any time with a person who is still abusive. Also, there had to have been an individualization process. Beverly Engel author of Healing Your Emotional Self (can be purchased here) describes this as “The act of becoming a separate person from one’s parents and one’s family. Those who have a history of neglect or abuse tend to remain enmeshed with their family of origin out of the desperate desire to get what they did not get when they were children.”

The problem is that adults will never get what they needed as a child from their abusive parents or others. Also, without doing our own inner child healing, and grieving our losses and traumas, forgiveness may be superficial and insincere. Depending on the circumstances and the person(s) involved, forgiveness may take time if at all; or may simply be an acceptance of the facts and moving on (without your parents). It certainly necessitates the need for boundaries and limits.

Many individuals who have been treated harshly by one or both parents can suffer throughout their lives. Dr. Susan Forward, in her book Toxic Parents states “Your parents are accountable for what they did. You are responsible for your adult life, but that life was largely shaped by experiences over which you had no control.”

You may decide to express to your parents the hurt they have caused - but don't expect too much if anything on their part. You may also consider expressing your feelings to a trusted friend, therapist or in a group setting.

Abdicating the responsibility for the parent as it would seem in Grosskofp's book, does little for the person who suffered abuse. If I have to look across the table when I get older and see resentful bitter adult children, I pray to God I would try to rectify the wrong in any way I could and not just say to myself, Oh well, they're my children, I was allowed to treat them anyway I wanted because I know they're expected to respect me.

It's now known that abused children would fare much better in their healing and forgiveness process, if they pointed the finger squarely at their parents and made them responsible. As one Christian in Dr. Forward's book Toxic Parents put it: “I guess God wants me to get better more than He wants me to forgive.” Toxic Parents and Healing your Emotional Self are must reads.

We recommend these books.

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly Father.” Matthew 18:10

Forgiveness is the goal we work towards. It is a gift we give to ourselves.

The bible's 3 step process for dealing with someone who has wronged you:

Let him/her know about the transgression.
If that doesn't work, bring along 2 or 3 witnesses.
If that doesn't work, tell the church. If these do not work, walk away. You've done all you could.

If you are struggling with forgiveness - Pray!

One of the greatest lessons Jesus taught us was how to forgive.

*Notes:

Keep in mind that the 5th commandment is not the same with all Christian Denominations. For example, in the Catholic Church, the 5th commandment is "You shall not kill." Here, Dr. Grosskopf refers to the Protestant 5th commandment "Honor your father and your mother which is the 4th commandment for Catholics."