THE SAD TRUTH ABOUT THE EFFECTS OF SEPARATION AND DIVORCE ON CHILDREN Is your child the victim of your separation or divorce? Are you wondering what effect this has had on your child? Well, here is a glimpse of their truth. Separation and divorce is a relatively new phenomenon steadily increasing in the last couple of decades. Changing social attitudes about family and societal values as well as the worship of money and a myriad of other insidious problems have caused the decline of the family. Many fathers have no idea what some children face without a father. In fact, many experts believe that this is the biggest social crisis facing the United States and Canada today. Children whose parents have separated or divorced are much more likely than other children to suffer chronic feelings of: worthlessness, insecurity, mistrust, self-hatred, anger, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem; and to exhibit: anti-social behaviour, declining grades, trouble with the law, unwanted pregnancies, problems with addictions, and in some cases, post traumatic stress. They are also much more vulnerable to being the victims of sexual abuse and sexual exploitation.
Separation and divorce creates a lot of anger in it's victims. These children often get diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), due to their anger or rage forced inward. Teachers and health professionals often miss the boat on this issue. Not realizing that the child's anger and declining grades began at the time of the separation, the child does not get the proper and effective care, treatment, and compassion they so rightly deserve. It is much easier to blame the child than to confront parents about the consequences of separation and divorce. Even the worst so-called "behavior problems" in children can sometimes be attributed to separation and divorce. If it is part of the child's history, it cannot be overlooked.
These children have to, in most cases, grow up quickly as they are plunged into a chaotic world of thinking and worrying that they have to take care of one or both of the parents who need help themselves in dealing with the tragic consequence of separation and divorce. Overwhelmed parents are not always helping or don't know how to help their kids, let alone themselves. The burden of responsibility is often left unwittingly to these innocent children. A responsibility that is not theirs to begin with and all the time wishing, hoping and praying that their parents will get back together. Their own lives torn asunder not even having conceived that one day their parents may not be together. For them it is inconceivable!
Many experts believe that separation and divorce affect children differently at different ages. While it is true that each of us are wired somewhat differently in that we react in different ways and in varying degrees to emotional traumas; it is also true that the exact far reaching implications that this social problem has on society is for the most part not completely known. For one thing, children are not always able to verbalize their emotional state or even have the proper insight for such introspection. Another thing is the fact that many of these dysfunctional kids grow up to be equally dysfunctional adults. As adults, they may not realize or have blocked out painful events which may have contributed to faulty core beliefs. They are more likely to have their own marriages end up in divorce due to poor or absent parental role modeling of what a happy and stable marriage should be. These adults also generally earn less, are under employed, suffer more psychological problems, and are more likely to be addicted to drugs and alcohol. Certainly most of the people who have ever been incarcerated have grown up without a biological father. Basically, many of these people grow up to be what Jesus calls his "least brothers of mine".
"Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40
The first thing a father needs to do when making the correct decision to re-enter his child's life is to start learning empathy and compassion and forgiveness. You have to start viewing the whole situation of separation and divorce and it's effects, from the perspective of your child. It's not about you because if you are a baby boomer or even a little younger, chances are you grew up with two parents. And even if you didn't have two parents, you know what it was like or what it could be like to grow up without two parents living together. Another point to remember is that if you've been absent for a number of years; it may take time for you to get to know one another (don't assume you instinctively know your son/daughter after years of separation but do remember that you are the adult) and if you have gone off and gotten married again, don't push your new family onto the child too soon. Your child is not obligated to assimilate into your new family. However, you do have a duty to spend time with your biological child.
In many cases, adult children of divorce have grown up having to teach themselves the life skills that normally a father should have taught them. Most were not given credit for this or any other things they had to do just to survive.
Many of the these fatherless children as well as those who are now adults, don't know what its like to have that security or that safe feeling knowing that a father is around and will protect them.
Fathers: You may not be able to reverse all the damage caused by years of absence, but isn't helping your child and you to heal now, a worthwhile cause? Do you have anything better to do?
Fathers thought they had valid reasons for not pursuing a constant relationship with their children. They thought what they were doing was in the best interest of the child and themselves. Other Excuses* may have been but not limited to:
In the U.S., 68% of all births to African American women are to single mothers (U.S. Census, 2001).
You know that these excuses are lies you tell yourselves. You know that your actions or lack thereof, have consequences. Trust has been broken; you want to try to earn back that trust, but you don't know how. You want to reclaim your children, your biological children, but you don't know how. You want to be forgiven, knowing that forgiveness can never be coerced or forced but you are afraid of the rejection. Think of your child and try to empathize with them. How hard has it been for them not having a father? Think about the rejection they would have felt. The loneliness. The abandonment. The isolation. The sadness and/or depression. What negative consequences has it had on them? In other words, get past yourself and start thinking about them.
The simple truth is that children need their biological fathers. This statement does not refer to the abusers, alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals as well as the fathers that have court orders against them. Clean up your act first before attempting a reunion and always obey court orders and judgements. You have to respect your children's current situation and their step father if there is one. Also, you don't have ownership of a child - no one owns anybody so treat children and their mothers with respect. Actions speak louder than words and by just saying you will do something doesn't mean you will. Your track record is not exactly glowing.
"See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly Father.” Matthew 18:10
Make no mistake, your children have been thinking about you and I suspect you have been thinking about them. Children need their biological fathers. Step fathers can never replace a biological father - never period. No matter how crappy you view yourself, your child longs for you. They might not admit it, but they do. Your absence speaks volumes to a child. It tells them "I'm not worthy."
"To the world you are just a person, to a child you are the world.” presentation of mary.
Whether you like it or not, you have caused emotional damage by your absence. Stop this suffering now and re-unite with your children. Your children still need you no matter what.
A sad irony here is the fact that a lot of these victims of separation and divorce refrain from calling upon God as a source of consolation and strength in their lives. Since they could not depend on the adult authority figures in their lives, why would they presume that an all loving God, the ultimate authority figure, would be there for them? The absence of faith can only be amended by healing the wounds of childhood and reclaiming a traumatized inner child.
If you are reading this, you are probably blaming yourself for your absence in your child's life, but did you know that paradoxically, many children unconsciously blame themselves for their father's absence?
But all is not lost. Never underestimate the forgiving nature of a child. They don't care if you are the CEO of a multi-national company or a short order cook. They are not petty in that way like us adults. But even if they don't forgive you, don't give up. They don't want you to give up. It may take some time for them to trust you again. Its only natural that they would be angry as well. If they express this anger, know that it is a sign of progress. Let them know that you are here to stay and that you will keep on trying. Let them know that they can contact you day or night and that you will be there for him/her from now on. Don't expect fireworks or a ticker tape parade. Be realistic. The goal from now on is to be there for your child until your last breath and for you; to get your self respect back and relieve your own suffering. Just thinking about it is not enough. The waiting is over. Starting now, do the right thing. Your children need you! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Myth: "Success in adjusting to separation and divorce depends very much on the success of their parents' adjustment."
Reality:
Lets not sugar coat the truth anymore! j. mackinnon
notes *Some of the "Excuses" have been adapted from Mark Bryan's "The Prodigal Father".
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