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Your Inner Child

We all have an inner child. It is our true self, our authentic self. Many adults who suffered abuse or who come from dysfunctional families hide behind a false self, also called the ego. We develop this false self to protect our true self from emotional pain. The false self stuffs these painful feelings deep inside us, thinking that it is protecting us. From thenceforth we mourn the loss of our true self leaving us to feel chronically sad (dysthymic mood) and empty inside until we reclaim that lost child - our true self.

At that time the disciples approached Jesus and said, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”  He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Matt 18:1-4

Living in our true self requires us to feel our feelings, grieve our losses, stop denying our pain, accept our vulnerability, become aware of our defence mechanisms, stop filling our emptiness with alcohol, drugs, compulsions and turn away from co-dependency (focusing on others to the detriment of oneself)*. It's important to know that inner child healing cannot be successful unless we first overcome our addictions.

We need to recover that inner child, feel those feelings of sadness, anger, rage, guilt and shame. Without addressing and dealing with the painful feelings of our childhood, we find it hard to move on with our lives. Our emotional development freezes when we have been severely traumatized. We repeat mistakes. We get stuck in our present state which could include ongoing feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety, emptiness, bad decisions, bad relationships, co-dependency, addictions, compulsions, inappropriate behaviour, suicidal thoughts and gestures etc.

Therapists are usually a little baffled by the presenting atypical symptoms. Many individuals with a distressed inner child have been diagnosed with psychiatric illnesses such as: depression, attention-deficit disorder, conduct disorders, anxiety disorders, dissociative disorders, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, bi-polar disorder, psychosis etc.

There could be accompanying physical symptoms that range from minor aches and pains to cancer. Repressed emotions are stored in the body and can be manifested as serious illnesses.

It's a fact that many people have inner child issues, however, the varying pain we suffer may not be comparable. No matter the degree of trauma we carry around, we still suffer.

Only we can feel these feelings that were shut down and abandoned so many years ago. Recognizing and allowing those feelings to surface relieves us of this internal anguish. It also gives the inner child (you) a feeling of worthiness for recognizing and paying attention to him/her.

We also need to grieve past incidents of trauma and abuse. Some relief is instantaneous.

You may want to discuss this process of inner child healing with a therapist or other mental health professional before attempting it.

You can't heal anyone else's inner child nor can anybody else heal yours - that's what a co-dependent attempts. A co-dependent is a person who is so focused on the needy person (alcoholic, drug addict, abuser etc.) that they neglect their own needs.

We generally treat other people the way we have been treated so if you were treated badly as a child you have a greater propensity to repeat those bad behaviours with your children. John Bradshaw characterizes this as “Identifying with the offender”  It is so terrifying that the child cannot remain in his own self during the abuse, so therefore identifies with the offender, thereby growing up to repeat the cycle. It's important to explore, express and grieve those feelings of abuse and trauma with a therapist or other trusted individual, in a safe environment.

There are many false and self-defeating beliefs we carry from childhood that inhibit our emotional well-being. They are the inaccurate thoughts and beliefs from others such as a parent or someone we looked up to. These beliefs may also have been formed subconsciously if we were abused. Children automatically blame themselves for the bad treatment they receive from parents and others in a position of power. What is left is a general attitude that we aren't worthy, that we don't deserve to be successful, happy, loved etc.

Healing takes place when the inner child feels safe and trusting enough to explore and express those feelings of how it felt when we were being criticized, neglected, shamed, abused etc. It is natural for him/her to feel scared, lonely, angry and distrustful. Letting him/her know that it is safe to express his/her feelings is important. The inner child needs to know that he/she will be protected. Protected but also allowed to be vulnerable - not hidden away. We protect our inner child by establishing clear and safe boundaries and limits on how we will let ourselves be treated by others.

As children we did not always know how to express our feelings or we may have been punished if we expressed them. Anger may have built up inside us. Anger not expressed appropriately may turn inward. One of the by-products of abuse is rage.

For a child, being a victim of abuse or divorce creates feelings of shame, guilt, anger, abandonment etc. The message the inner child received is “your worthless, shameful, bad and not good enough.”  Re-parenting ourselves can be difficult at first, especially if we didn't have the proper role models.

We must put the blame where it belongs. Denying or limiting your abusers responsibility in the pain they have caused you, will only sabotage and prolong the healing process.

It is not necessary to confront our abusers face to face. Writing a letter to them is safer and can be as effective. Not only does it allow you to organize your thoughts and feelings about what happened, it gives the reader the opportunity to read it again and again. It's your opportunity to express your truth, your feelings and how your life has been affected while avoiding direct confrontation. Don't expect any positive feedback from the people who have hurt you.

It is only when we have completed our inner child work, that forgiveness is a possibility - maybe. It's healthy and necessary to get angry and feel whatever emotions come up and to adopt the role as empathetic observer to the inner child's past pain and traumas. It is important to: 1. remember,  2. identify and  3. express those past feelings of sadness, anger and rage with a therapist, recovery group or friend. We must be able to trust the person we are telling our story to and they need to simply listen and validate - not offer solutions and opinions.  The listener's job is is that of validator.

Objectives of Inner Child Healing:

  1. The objective is to uncover any dysfunctional, self defeating beliefs we have about ourselves and replace them with more realistic, loving, supportive, and compassionate ones. To place the responsibility for our abuse and mistreatment squarely on our abusers.

  2. Grieving the pain of loss and/or abuse from our childhood, adolescents and early adulthood; alone and in individual or group therapy or with trusted others. Dr. Charles Whitfield, M.D., in his book "My Recovery", states “Therapists should have done their own inner healing first so they don’t project their unfinished business onto their clients.” You also need to tap into that anger or rage. Paradoxically, expressing that anger and rage over time in a safe environment, helps to release it, leaving you feeling more relaxed and at peace.

  3. Try to recapture what Lucia Capacchione's book (Recovery of your Inner Child) describes as: “that childlike feeling, sensitivity, wonderment, and aliveness.”  Basically, it is the recovery of our true self and shedding the phoney mask we wear.

  4. To eventually: feel like a child but think like an adult.  (Miller, 1991).

Consider these paradoxical statements when dealing with the inner child and past trauma:

Healing your inner child requires T n' T  (Time and Tears). Take your time, recovery is at your pace. Trust yourself - only you know what you really need.

By T. MacKinnon

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LINKS:

 Effects of Separation and Divorce on Children | Suggested Reading | Forgiveness - learn to forgive and let go of the pain | Learn to Love Yourself | Adult Survivors of Child Abuse

Sibling Abuse Survivors' Information & Advocacy Network | Co-dependents Anonymous

Adult Children of Alcoholics | AA | NA

references:

* Healing the Child Within, by Dr. Charles Whitfield