LEFT BEHIND - YOUR INNER CHILD

YOUR INNER CHILD

We all have an inner child. It is our true self, our authentic self. Many adults who suffered abuse or come from dysfunctional families hide behind a false self, also called our ego. We develop this false self to protect our true self from emotional pain. The false self or ego, stuffs these painful feelings deep inside us, thinking that it is protecting us. An example of this false self is the "tough guy" facade. If I have a gruff outer exterior, it will protect me from getting hurt. Another is the "know-it-all". Someone that needs to be right all the time because they were shamed for being wrong when they were younger. Basically, we weren't accepted for being ourselves or the pain of abuse was so great that the false self had to hide our real self or take on another role. From then on we mourn the loss of our true self, leaving us to feel chronically sad (dysthymic mood) and empty inside until we reclaim that lost child - our true self.

At that time the disciples approached Jesus and said, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, "Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matt 18:1-4

Living in our true self requires us to feel our feelings, grieve our grief, stop denying our pain, accept our vulnerability, become aware of our defence mechanisms, stop filling our emptiness with alcohol, drugs, compulsions and turn away from codependency. Lying to ourselves and/or to others also inhibits our inner child.

We need to recover that inner child. Feel those feelings of guilt and shame. Without addressing and dealing with the painful feelings of our childhood, we find it hard to move on with our lives. Our emotional development freezes when we have been severely traumatized. We repeat mistakes. We get stuck in our present state which could include ongoing feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety, emptiness, bad decisions, bad relationships, co-dependency (focusing on others to the detriment of oneself), addictions, compulsions, inappropriate behavior, suicidal thoughts and gestures etc. Only we can feel these feelings that were shut down and abandoned so many years ago. Allowing those feelings to come up and really feeling them, gives the inner child (you) a feeling of worthiness for recognizing and paying attention to the inner child. We also need to grieve these past incidents of trauma and abuse. Relief is almost instant. However, recovery much longer. You may want to discuss this process of inner child healing with a therapist or other mental health professional before proceeding.

You can't heal anyone else's inner child nor can anybody else heal yours - that's what a codependent does. A codependent is a person who is so focused on the needy person (alcoholic, drug addict, abuser etc.) that they neglect themselves.

We generally treat other people the way we have been treated so if you were treated badly as a child you have a greater propensity to repeat those bad behaviors with your children. John Bradshaw characterizes this as “Identifying with the offender” It is so terrifying that the child cannot remain in his own self during the abuse, so therefore identifies with the offender, thereby growing up to repeat the cycle. Exploring, expressing and grieving those feelings of abuse and trauma with a therapist or in a safe environment can help.

The inner critic is another aspect of our inner adult that tells us repeatedly over and over that we are bad, worthless, shameful, and basically not good enough. These are the false and self-defeating beliefs we carry from childhood that inhibit our emotional well-being. They are inaccurate thoughts and beliefs from others such as a parent or someone we looked up to. These beliefs may also have been formed subconsciously if we were abused. Children automatically blame themselves for the bad treatment they receive from parents and others in a position of power.

Healing takes place when the inner child feels safe and trusting enough to explore and express those feelings of how it felt when we were being criticized, neglected, shamed, abused etc. It is natural for it to feel scared, lonely, angry and distrustful. Letting it know that it is safe to express its feelings is important. It needs to know that it will be protected. The inner child must feel protected but also allowed to be vulnerable - not hidden away. We protect our inner child by establishing clear and safe boundaries and limits on how we will let ourselves be treated by others.

As children we did not always know how to express our feelings or we may have been punished if we expressed them. Anger may have built up inside us. Anger not expressed appropriately turns inward on ourselves. One of the by-products of emotional and physical abuse is rage.

For a child, being a victim of abuse or divorce creates feelings of shame, guilt, anger, abandonment etc. The message the inner child received is "your worthless, shameful and bad." Re-parenting ourselves can be difficult at first if we didn't have the proper role models as parents. However, this process gets easier as we practice it.

We must put the blame where it belongs and we also need to feel that repressed anger and rage. Denying or limiting your abusers responsibility in the pain they have caused you, will inhibit the healing process.

It is not necessary to confront our abusers face to face. Writing a letter to them is safer and more effective. Not only does it allow you to organize your thoughts and feelings about what happened, it gives the reader opportunity to read it again and again. It's your opportunity to express your truth, your feelings and how your life has been effected while avoiding direct confrontation. In your letter you may include: the abuse you suffered, how it made you feel, how it has affected your life, how your relationship (if there is to be any relationship at all) will be from now on, and what they could do (if anything) to make amends. After you mail your letter, don't expect any positive feedback from the recipients. You've done all you could and are not responsible for their reaction and response to your truth. The truth is out and what they decide to do with that truth is up to them. Just know one thing - life has changed. You are giving back to them all the garbage that has been dumped on you.

It is only when we have done our inner child work to our child's satisfaction, that forgiveness is a possibility - maybe. Entertaining thoughts and images of getting back at your abusers as well as other revenge fantasies may feel good at the time but they keep you stuck in a cycle of resentment and getting even. Its healthy and necessary to get angry and feel whatever emotions come up and to adopt the role as empathetic observer to the inner child's past pain and traumas. It is important to: 1. remember, 2. identify 3. express those past feelings of anger and rage with a therapist, recovery group or friend. We must be able to trust the person we are telling our story to and they need to simply listen and validate - not offer solutions and opinions. The listener's job is validator.

Objectives of Inner Child Healing:

The objective is to uncover any dysfunctional, self defeating beliefs we have about ourselves and replace them with more realistic, loving, supportive, and compassionate ones. To place the responsibility for our abuse and mistreatment squarely on our abusers.
Grieving the pain of loss and/or abuse from our childhood, adolescents and early adulthood; alone and in individual or group therapy or with trusted others. Dr. Charles Whitfield, M.D., in his book "My Recovery", states "Therapists should have done their own inner healing first so they don’t project their unfinished business onto their clients." You also need to tap into that anger or rage. Paradoxically, expressing that anger and rage over time in a safe environment, helps to release it which leaves you feeling more relaxed and at peace.
Try to recapture as Lucia Capacchione (Recovery of your Inner Child) describes it: "that childlike feeling, sensitivity, wonderment, and aliveness." Basically, it is the recovery of our true self and shedding the mask that we wear.

By T. MacKinnon